Everything is so trivial and pointless. What's the purpose of doing anything? I look at the lazy, swaying clouds against the dirty brown/blue sky, wishing I had their lifestyle, their responsibilities. I move my gaze down, closer to the rusty flights upon rusty flights of fire escape, and look at the ground. This awful ground supporting this awful building. This ground that I'm helplessly tied to, with no hope of escape.
I suppose I could just end it. End it All right now. And never be afflicted with another illness. Never have another craving to the point i'm in tears and can't breathe. No more struggle. No pain... I could just be... Over
The door busts open with a bang, and I duck behind the low ledge above the fire escape. A man stumbles out carrying another man over his shoulder. I recognize this incapacitated fellow as "Remus," but i've never seen the other man before.
He lays Remus out on a bench and I can see that he is covered in blood. The Other Man has a rifle. I'm briefly terrified that I'm about to witness a murder, but Remus comes to, and I hear them arguing.
A cop had beaten him senseless, and the Other Man was livid, shouting about the injustice done. He mentions that the cop would learn about "Consequences," as he mounts the side of the building, aiming the gun down at the street. I've never witnessed anything like this... and being sober has left my mind unbearably exposed and insecure. I am brought to the verge of tears from my unknowing and fear. And before all fear seeps away, the worst of them gives me a jolting affirmation.
BANG!
"YOU CANT JUST SHOOT A COP!" Remus was yelling. I kept watching, intent to figure this whole thing out. Maybe there were people more fucked up than me in the world after all.
A group of police burst onto the roof, yelling for them to stand down. I hid, a little lower, to not be seen, but still enough to watch. With a motion that could only be described as motivated determination, The Other Man pressed the gun into Remus's grasp, and stepped off the roof.
He makes it look so easy. Why do I not possess such courage? Why do i break down and cry faced with that pressure? I'm not sure how I should feel about what I just saw, but jealousy seems somehow... wrong.
Remus looks around, taking in his surroundings. I can tell that he doesn't really want to. But maybe, its just the only way sometimes. He puts the barrel to his chin and another.
BANG!
I've seen enough. Seeing his unease unsettled my stomach, and my eyes. tears dripped down onto my cheeks, and I tried to control myself. I went swiftly down the fire escape, while the Police were busy, and dropped the last 10 feet or so, landing roughly in a half-roll.
I sat there, in the alley, thinking about everything I'd witnessed. Things are really hard, "unbearable" even, but that wild determination, bordering on helplessness that the men had. It was a feeling I could hardly comprehend. I suppose it's not my day to die... It was theirs.
Things can always get worse.. I light a cigarette and let the smoke pour out of my mouth, towards the lightening sky.
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