Wednesday, March 30, 2011

7: Hydrocodiene

I woke up to dingy walls... I can't tell the color yet... and a dim light. My senses ease back into focus and I realize i'm in a... Hospital? I run through the events in my mind, and struggle. I remember, an explosion... and Charlie Sheen. No, that can't be right... I don't get it. I have massive headache. I must have Overdosed.... I'll just.... I'm fading again..

..............................................


A nurse wakes me up. She says the explosion put shrapnel through my leg. its broken. And they pumped my system. In her eloquence, "Enough Coke to kill a mule." I'm honestly a little impressed with myself. My leg throbs with pain with each beat my heart makes. The IV's running into my arm aren't delivering enough to satisfy the pain... I'm passing out again..........................


Okay, I'm alright now. The doctors have me hopping around on crutches, doped up on Hydrocodeine. I'd love a line or two, but Last weekend's Overdose has me a little scared. I don't know what to do. I'm realizing slowly that this life of mine could kill me.

My court date is in a few days. I'm in pain. So tired of being in the house... I decide to go for as much a walk as my shattered shin can take. I see a pickup driving down the way with an ATM loaded in the back.

"Just my luck." I think. "I go /near/ a crime and get arrested. These people just driiive off like no big deal..." Fucking unfair life. Putting me in the line of fire.... There's another girl watching.. Kitty something. I doubt she'll call the police. Shit, I wouldn't either. Thats not the "watershed" way...

I don't get too far past the first block before i'm in too much pain to go on. I turn back, grimacing with each hobble, and make my way back home... Hydrocodeine...... 9 please.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

6: It's a dream... In a flash

Dazing off into the sky. Charlie's blabbering away about his life story, and I cant help but not care at all. He's a great guy and all, I just cant see straight. I can't tell whether I'm sitting or laying down. The shed behind us is buzzing with activity, apparently.

I'm vaguely aware that there's smoke and fire coming out of it, if only for the people running around like there was a fire or something. Charlie tries to pick me up, but I'm intensely concentrated on the pebbles of the gravel road the food cart is set up on.

There's a massive, booming sound. I see people running. I'm trying to peice together the events, and have a strange mix of extasy and being ashamed that I'm not coherent enough to understand. Is this real? I see... a giant baby. is that a giant baby? I can hear nothing. This must be real. A wave of panic sets in, but i still cant convince my body to move.

I fade..............

I'm a child. riding my bike. my parents are proud that I can finally do it... I'm at my 12th birthday. My first experience with liquor... My parents spend all night cleaning up my vomit.... I'm 16, my first time getting arrested. My parents are "at their last straw." I'm 19, getting kicked out of my house. My vision closes on my last memory... Laying on gravel, surrounded by smoke and flames, coked out of my mind and not caring at all that i'm......

Thursday, March 10, 2011

5: I'm WINNING!

A few weeks go by, I'm trying to grasp the concept of sobriety. I could run to canada.
no money.
fuck it.

I've never been able to carry through with an idea. Outside my window, there is a carnival. Theres no money in the house, no drugs either. I cant stand the pressure of the thick, stagnant air around me. Tainted by the smell of last weeks trash, which i woke up too late to take out last thursday. and hastily covered by the stale bitterness of cheap cigarettes. I walk downstairs, trying to escape my mind in the carnival, so skewed from reality. What a fucking place to have a carnival. the worlds most uncheery place... Maybe the carnies would fit in... along with everyone else who doubts they can.

I find my way into the carnival, and can't stand the loudness. all around me is a wall of sound. children, (where the fuck did children come from? i've always hated children) carnies, (small hands, smell like cabbage) creaking machines, and heavy laughter. not the lighthearted, "i'm-a-kid-and-don't-have-bills-to-pay,-oh-look-a-shiny-object!"kind of laughing, the kind of laughing that you force out to hold back tears of despair and the crushing weight of life.

HOLY Shit my day just took a massive turn. Hopefulness creeps up the backs of my legs as i pass THE charlie sheen. I put on my best fangirl smile and run up to him, hoping he's coked out to the point of sharing with a kind young lady...

He's so nice in person. He invites me to come hang out at the food vendors, apparently there's bootleg booze and coke behind it. Sounds like a rape-and-kill situation, but hey, how many chances do you get!

When we get there, i'm shocked. Pastor Dan, couple lines of coke.. wha-wha-whaaat???